Part 1 - Young and wondered what it was like?
I had a fairly troubled childhood. I wasn’t a bad child, I was just surrounded by unhappy people.
I wouldn’t say it was the worst childhood on the face of the earth, but it definitely wasn’t the best either. My Father was an alcoholic and my mum was a neurotic. I never had a good relationship with them at the same time, if that makes sense? Mum would often say: “Myself and your Dad got on well before you kids came along.” Charming,
I got on well with Mum during my teens and my early adult life, and it all changed when I left home at 20. My Dad, who was (he has now passed away) drank 2 litres of vodka a day and if it wasn’t for a ultimatum from Mum to say she would leave him if he continued to drink then he wouldn’t have stopped. Dad stopped in August 1998.
When I saw my Dad drink and the behaviour that he showed, I thought to myself I would never go down that road where alcohol would impact my life that much. However, in fact when I started to enjoy the taste of drinking in my early 20s, it was something I could pick up and put down because I felt I was in control, and I was always a bit of a controlling person anyway.
I did what most youngsters did, come home pissed and blacking out onto the bed, wondering how on earth I managed to get home? I now know it was God who kept me in one piece.
I mentioned before that my relationship with my parents wasn’t the best, and my Dad passed away in 2023, and I hardly speak to my mum since the passing of my Dad,. My relationship with him got stronger and stronger when I had a number of mental health breakdowns or suicide attempts. My mum isn’t very good at managing my emotions, she is a typical Cypriot woman, and what I mean by that, she would have an answer for everything, but wouldn’t take her own advice herself, but our relationship is a volatile one. She has instigated many arguments between us, which resulted with myself lashing out.. Not physically but verbally.
Well I go back to the story of my addiction journey. I took cocaine and drank plenty of spirits, wine and lager during my 20s and 30s, and in my 40s I stopped briefly because I worked full time and was taking a degree. I am a pretty much a ‘all or nothing’ type of person, when I finished my degree, I must of been 44 when I got a 2:1 Bsc in dietetics and science, I started to go back to social drinking again.
My Dad who was very much my ‘go to’ person, as I didn’t get on with Mum, would sometimes say: “You are drinking too much Jay”, I know now he was only saying this because he obviously cared, as my Mother didn’t know how to communicate with me, we were 2 peas in a pod, very abrupt and possess a steely stubbornness. I made a conscious effort not to speak to my Mum, I found her very unhelpful in any difficulties that I was confronted with, and. she would always side on the woman’s side when I had a dispute with my partner at that particular time, so we really didn’t get on.
When my Dad passed that was when I started to feel it. When Dad passed away in 2023 I couldn’t live in the house with my Mum, despite losing her partner for 52 years, I felt I wasn’t the right person to stay in that home to keep an eye on her. I continued to drink after a gym session, thinking I deserved it after a solid workout, how wrong could I have been? I left the family home in July 2023 and decided I would have little contact with my family, I even tried to take my life through on an insulin overdose in August 2023, as I asked God to take me to where I hope my Father has gone too (heaven). My family offered little support, the cousins did, but my Mum and my 2 brothers offered no emotional support at all. I suppose we were all missing Dad so much and were grieving. I felt there was no way out for me from this. it was only a matter of time to when I would make another suicide attempt, but I drank to blackout, and often I drank at home. My Dad said when he was alive, it’s best to be at home and drink and be safe. But in my heart this disease was slowly taking control of me… not me taking control of alcohol.
My brother is an alcoholic but has been dry for years, and I never thought I would go down that road. Yes, I liked a drink but I could have 1 or 2 and then head off home but this time it was different after Dad passed away. I lived with friends and I felt that was challenging because they would say random things which would cause me emotional distress and consequently lead me to getting drunk quietly. I even shouted one day at the lady whose house I stay in, shouting: “Do you think I want this? how on earth did this fucking happen?. At the start of the year my Dad is alive, now he is dead, what the fucked happened?”. Life can be cruel but I felt alcohol was my friend, a friend that I could depend on, how far away from the truth I could have been.”
I also live with type 1 diabetes and that has its own implications with the condition. Actually my blood sugars would be more stable with alcohol. Where the sugars from the drink would rise and through the chemicals that are in the alcohol my blood sugars would go down and become more stable.
Part 2 - Defining moment.
In July 2024 I decided to go to Gibralter to have a mini break, and on that week I had a video appointment to speak with a diabetes psychologist. I was still drinking, starting the day with a gym workout and then went back to drinking alcohol.
One afternoon I had this video call from this psychologist who wanted to see how I was getting on managing my diabetes. I recall him saying: “How are you getting on Jason?” I replied: “Fucking shit” and told him that I was drinking and felt suicidal, as the apartment where I stayed at I was on the 16th floor, and often thought of jumping from the balcony, but God whispered to me not to do it. From that conversations with the Psychologist he referred me to an addictions service, personality disorders service and talking therapies. The meeting with the addictions service was the most prevalent in my recovery. I recall the Nurse asking what my diet comprised of, so I explained to her of my drinking habits, that I was waiting until 12pm until I would go to the pub and drink a couple of Guinnesses and then walk to the off license to buy more alcohol. From that conversation with the nurse, she asked that daunting question: “Jason, would you call yourself an alcoholic?” I paused for a moment and then replied within 3 seconds that I was an alcoholic. This was a defining moment in my sobriety.
On the 9th December 2024 I went in for a community detox and have been sober since. I haven’t touched an alcoholic drink for over a year and attend Alcohol anonymous meetings and serve as much as I can. I volunteer with the addictions charity that supported me on my road to recovery, and get involved with service redesign of the volunteering scheme, along with other escorting service users to appointments to assist with their recovery.
I am still tempted to have a drink, and my cravings to eat food has increased, thank God for the gym that I am able keep my weight down. This experience has been one of the most challenging I have ever faced. I can say the trigger was losing my Father, that really took me from wanting to drink a couple of beers to losing control..
One thing I shall say is that I have met some amazing people from all walks of life on this journey, and made some brilliant friends.. However, the addiction is a fucking trap. My sponsor urges me to go to more A.A. Meetings and I am currently going through the 12 steps as part of my on-going recovery.
I pray for anyone who has fallen victim to alcoholism, I feel some of this is inherent, but what do I know? The fight continues as I am grateful and surrender to God for giving me and other people like me another chance. I can’t tell you the number of times that I said: “I don’t think I can do this”, someone was looking over me urging me to get better…as clearly this wasn’t my time to leave this earth…
I would simply say this to anyone trying to stop drinking:… PLEASE DON’T GIVE UP… as everything starts with the first step!
2nd March 2026
Jason
